27 Jun My House is For Sale (Day 3)
My neighbor caught me vacuuming the sidewalk this morning, which was only slightly more embarrassing than the public fight with my husband about who's job it is to dust the shrubbery.
Our house was on the Broker's Tour yesterday. This is an event during which agents tour your home and leave suggestions on better ways to make it look like nobody lives here. We got positive feedback such as, "Gorgeous! Shows like a model!" and advice like, "Remove knives from kitchen." Because everyone knows that knives are scary and might cause potential buyers to run screaming into the (squeaky clean) bushes.
Our garage apparently "smells like engine exhaust." I'll get right on that after I eliminate all evidence that we have- GASP!- a dog. Ha ha, just kidding! We of course purged the entire premises of anything related to living beings before we listed.
We and our fellow homesellers are the only people in America who never eat, bathe, shit, sit down, sleep in our beds, or use our belongings in any way other than decoratively. We mostly wander dead-eyed through our homes looking for microscopic dust particles upon which to pounce with enthusiastic glee.
I've been second-guessing our listing photos. Sure, they look bright, tasteful, and professionally fake like everyone else's, but perhaps we should have hired attractive models to be featured doing homey things like cooking dinner in the "gourmet kitchen" or doing yoga in the "flex space." Maybe a sexy chick lounging on the patio while a shirtless male stripper grills hamburgers nearby would appeal to potential buyers.
I have learned that the word "room" is completely out of vogue. Now we have "spaces," and all of these "spaces" are "open" and "airy." We have "spacious spaces" that are "flooded with natural light."
I just now caught sight of what might be a smudge on one of the "high-end stainless appliances." FML.